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Todays Joke of the Day

A pirate walks into a pub. He is a classic looking pirate with the eye patch, peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder.

He also has a steering wheel coming out of his pants...

The bartender greets the pirate and asks him "Hey, whats with the steering wheel coming out of Your pants"?

The Pirate reply's ..." Aye Matey,... It's Driving Me Nuts"

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Comments

  • Heheheheheheheeeeee THANK YOU , I needed that this morning !
  • LOL......did yall hear the one about the girl from Arkansas that asked to borrow the car from her dad
  • What's the only full refrigerator in Venezuela?


    The City morgue
  • Makes me wonder how long before we begin hearing that even THAT fridge is being eaten out of?

  • a communist, a terrorist and an illegal alien walk into a bar, what does the bartender say?
    what can I get you tonite mr obama
  • Kid falls into an outhouse pit.
    So a neighbor and the kids mother come running over. The mother takes one look at the kid splashing around, and puts her foot on his head and pushes him under.
    The neighbor says "what the hell are you doing?"
    So the mother says "it'll be easier to make another one than to try to clean him up." :D
  • LOL......did yall hear the one about the girl from Arkansas that asked to borrow the car from her dad
    get a ride from your Brother, he's borrowing the car. :D >:) B)

  • A Pirate walks into a Pub and announces that it's his Bday.
    "Really? How old?"
    "Aye Matey!" (I;m 80.) B) o:)
  • Psychiatrist vs. Bartender...

    Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

    So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

    “How much do you charge?”

    “Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

    “I'll sleep on it,” I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

    “Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

    “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

    It's always better to get a second opinion!
  • Practical vs useless Advise. You gotta love it. :D ;)
  • What is the difference between Kansas and Arkansas?



    Arkansas refuses to turn in their AR
  • Rob and Bob, two government maintenance guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."

    She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet six inches" and walked away.

    Rob shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said, "We need the height and she gives us the length!"

    Rob and Bob are still working for the government, but now they're congressmen.
  • Rob and Bob are still working for the government, but now they're congressmen.
    Congress heck! They are Cabinet Secretaries. :/ :'(

  • Potato, Potatoe, hell, they probably VP before this joke is over! Lol
  • One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

    On the card was written:

    Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti

    TWO with meatballs, ONE without

    SEND EXTRA SAUCE!!!!!!!
  • I think all of that sauce he was spreading got him INTO the trouble. :'( :D :* <3 o:)
  • A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”

    The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

    The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters.

    Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

    The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”
    The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.

    Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”

    Hoo-Rah....
  • Hell yeah! Hahaha! :D
  • Just for fun
    4B8A7BC8-BC6A-493D-9EF7-EF597E3F96A7.jpeg
    1077 x 960 - 122K
  • Built-in padded cheek-rest and recoil dampener. Looks good. ;)
  • I went to the Gastro-enterologist today. My GP thought that I needed a colonoscopy.

    After asking me a series of Questions and conducting an Initial Exam, the Specialist said that I wouldn't need any further testing. Just from speaking w me in his Office, he could tell that I was an Asshole. B) o:)
    (I thought that 1 up after my actual visit this morning. ;) :p )
  • ^ Full of shit, too. :D
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